supercommunicators

by Charles Duhigg

Read on March 10, 2024

Rating: ★★★★ ☆

Summary

When I heard Duhigg had written another book, I knew immediately that I was going to pick it up and devour it quickly. His bestselling book, The Power of Habit, is one of my all-time favorites and changed the way I thought about life back in college. His new book is all about what makes the best communicators in the world, well, the best. He explores the similarities and differences between some of the best speakers, business leaders, church leaders, and politicians to help answer the question: “What do they know about conversation that makes them so special?”.

We’ve all got people in our lives who we love to talk to and are great connectors. They can talk to almost anyone and they make us feel heard and seen. These people are great at figuring out what kind of conversation they are engaged in and reacting and adjusting accordingly. Duhigg says there are three main types of conversation: practical (“What is this really about?”), emotional (“How do we feel?”), and social (“Who are we?”).

Anybody can be a supercommunicator with a little practice and willingness to adapt the people around them.

Key Takeaways

  1. Leadership via dominating the conversation actually has the opposite effect. You should lead by asking questions. Supercommunicators are quick to admit their own confusion and repeat others’ ideas. They tend to ask ten to twenty times as many questions as other participants.
  2. There are four rules for meaningful conversation:
    1. Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring.
      • Every time you speak you should ask: “Why am I opening my mouth?”
    2. Share your goals, and ask what others are seeking.
    3. Ask about others’ feelings, and share your own.
    4. Explore if identities are important to this discussion.
  3. Do some prep work before your conversations begin. It’s not disingenuous… it’s actually a sign of respect and that you value them and their company. Even if you never talk about these topics, the preparation makes you feel more confident and prepared, increasing the likelihood you’ll engage in a meaningful conversation.
    • What are two topics you might discuss?
    • What is one thing you hope to say?
    • What is one question you will ask?
  4. Ask questions about the other person’s emotions, not informational questions.
    • NOT: Where do you live?
    • INSTEAD: What do you like most about your neighborhood?
    • NOT: Are you married?
    • INSTEAD: Tell me about your family.
    • NOT: Do you have any hobbies?
    • INSTEAD: If you could learn anything, what would it be?

Favorite Quotes

She had assumed that the goal of discussing a conflict and engaging in debate was achieving victor, defeating the other side. But that’s not right. Rather, the real goal is figuring out why a conflict exists in the first place.

- Page 137

You’ll never succeed at getting someone to change their behavior if, as a prerequisite, you force them to say: Everything I’ve believed until now is wrong.

- Page 177

Personal Thoughts

How this book changed my perspective

I’ve always felt that I could do a better job of communicating with those around me. I’ve never been great at small talk, and I frequently found myself frustrated after a conversation that I’d talked too much about myself and not enough about them. This book really helped me understand what to look for in a conversation, how to engage with other people in a conversation in a way that helps us both enjoy and derive value from the time we spend together. I particularly appreciated Duhigg’s data driven approach to communication and how we can all be better communicators.

The concept about different types of conversations immediately made sense to me. There is always a short period at the beginning of a conversation where you are trying to figure out what they other person is looking for in the conversation and why they are engaging in the conversation. Understanding whether it is a practical, emotional, or social conversation can help guide how you should engage with them throughout.

Practical applications

  • I want to start spending time before a conversation or before I go somewhere to jot down the questions I want to ask and what I hope they will say. This will help me have a set of points to fall back on if the conversation starts to dwindle.
  • Be deeper in the questions I ask. I want to start asking questions that are more feelings based and not fact based.

Questions for further exploration

  • How do cultural differences impact the effectiveness of the supercommunication techniques described in the book?
  • How do supercommunication techniques apply to written communication, such as emails or social media interactions?
  • In what ways might technology, such as AI assistants or virtual reality, change the landscape of human communication and the relevance of supercommunication skills?
  • In what ways could the concepts of supercommunication be integrated into early childhood education to foster better communicators from a young age?

Last updated: 2024-07-30